You are listening to episode 29, Titled- Tender Mercies and Miracles
Hey you guys! This is Kelsie Millet and I am your host here on the Let Him In Podcast, it has been a few weeks since the last podcast episode has come out. I just want to first say how grateful I am for your patience in giving me space and time to rest and spend time in trying to adjust to having 5 kids. It has been a lot, and also has been so beautiful.
Today’s episode is going to be a little different than what I usually share. I always try to keep these episodes very bite sized and short. But today I wanted to really open up and give you the full picture of what has infolded for me these last few weeks and actually years.
What I am going to share are truly some of the most sacred experiences I have had. So, it is not super easy for me to be vulnerable in sharing them with anyone. With that being said, I have felt prompted for weeks that I should share. I hope that by me sharing it will help bring to the light that God still does provide miracles today. That I can witness that He truly is aware of us individually, and that He has a beautiful plan for each of us.
With that being said, I am going to jump in by reading straight from my journal to give you my raw feelings of what has taken place.
A week of beautiful, beautiful experiences that I never want to forget. Tomorrow it will have been a week since sweet, beautiful Evelyn came to the world, and my exact words and impressions are already starting to blur. These experiences that happened are ones that I never hope to forget. I truly feel humbled to have experienced, seen, heard, and felt the things that I have. God is good. A beautiful creator and weaver of our lives.
There are lots of experiences that have happened over the last 9 years that all came together in this last week for me. 9 years in the making. God carefully placed an experience here, a thought there, all to create a beautiful entrance for Evelyn. If these experiences wouldn’t have happened over the last 9 years I would not have been able to fully understand and appreciate the strength, and divine soul that Evelyn is.
When I was pregnant with Greyson, before I knew he was a boy. I remember being terrified this one evening I was lying in bed. Erick was gone out of town, and we lived in a condo that didn’t always feel super safe. I remember laying there so scared to go to sleep. I said a prayer to Heavenly Father to help me feel safe, protect me and to allow myself to go to sleep.
Just after my prayer I immediately felt a sweet little girl spirit with me who said, “it’s ok mom, I will be right here with you”. This sweet little spirit was strong and yet calm at the same time and her presence immediately brought me peace.
Because of that experience I immediately jumped to the conclusion that I must be carrying a girl. So Erick and I attached ourselves to that and we started to refer to the baby I was pregnant with as Evelyn. Later in my pregnancy I found out that I was actually expecting a boy.
Finding out it was a boy immediately made me rethink the experience I had with that sweet spirit and made me question if I had misunderstood or read that whole situation wrong. But it was confirmed to me that I did not misunderstand and it was in fact a little girl spirit that was with me that night.
A few years passed and I got pregnant again, this time with a little girl. Of course it would be Evelyn right? I remember my whole pregnancy not being able to commit to saying it was her. Erick and I had thought of other names and I wanted to wait until I could hold her in my arms to say whether or not it was the same spirit from years before.
During my labor with my daughter I was using a hypnobabies technique and was listening to a track, in it at one point it said, “say your baby’s name” and immediately my mind said Eden. It was clear, there was no mistaken. At that moment I knew before even seeing her that this was not Evelyn.
I remember wondering how I was going to convince Erick that this was in fact not Evelyn. But when he brought sweet baby Eden over for me to look at her for the first time he said, I don’t think this is Evelyn. And I was so so thankful that God had somehow let him also know. So into the world we had our amazing daughter Eden.
A few years passed and I became pregnant again with another boy, Jack. A couple more years passed and I became pregnant again. I remember vividly like it was yesterday looking at that positive pregnancy test with my 4th and feeling Evelyn’s spirit again. It had been YEARS since I had originally felt her and yet it was so easy to distinguish and know that it was her again that I felt. I felt very strongly that she was letting me know that she was coming.
So again, I immediately thought that I was carrying her. It was perfect, I always wanted 4 kids and wanted two of each. It was exactly as I had always pictured it to be.
A few months later I found out that I was carrying another boy. As happy as I was to be carrying a sweet healthy baby boy, there was a part of me that was yet again sad and confused. When it came to Rem’s labor I reached a point of extreme frustration. I remember being so angry, it was a really weird experience to be honest feeling so angry during something as amazing as bringing a baby into the world. But I was. I was frustrated, annoyed, angry with my body because it wasn’t doing what I wanted it to. Erick asked to give me a blessing. I don’t remember one word from the blessing, but during the blessing God spoke to me clear as day, “I will never make you do this again”.
The words repeated over and over in my head, and in the moment it was exactly what I needed to hear. It made me immediately be able to change my mindset and Rem was born less than an hour later.
With that experience being so vivid and those words so clear, they rang through my head ever since. What did that exactly mean? Did it mean that I would only have more kids if I really wanted but I didn’t have to? Did it mean that I would miscarry if I got pregnant again?
All these questions came alongside thoughts of what about Evelyn? How does she fit into all of this? It had been almost two years since we had Rem and it was that time again of deciding if our family was complete or if we should have one more baby. I really really really did not want to be pregnant again, I really really really did not want to go through labor again. Give me another baby I will have it, but selfishly I didn’t want to go through all of the mental and physical hardship.
After a lot of prayer, I felt a lot of peace around the situation and knew that there was one more and it was something I just truly couldn’t deny. I prayed a lot at the beginning of my pregnancy, and God confirmed to me multiple times that this would be Evelyn. Clear as day He told me- She was coming. Not to doubt and to lean in and know what I already knew.
This pregnancy with Evelyn has been exciting, and yet somehow nerve wracking. I replayed in my head several times the words God spoke to me during Rem’s labor, “I will never make you do this again”. I also thought a lot about why she came to me 9 years ago and why she wasn’t coming until now. What would it be like to look at her and hold her and feel her spirit again.
As it came closer to the end of my pregnancy I struggled more and more with my mindset. Which going natural having your mind be in a good place is SO IMPORTANT. But for some reason, no matter what I did I could not get myself there. I couldn’t even figure out what it was that I was worried about or afraid of.
Five days before my emergency c section with Evelyn, a friend from the ward asked if I could last minute come be a model for her to foot zone. She was creating a video course and the pregnant mom she was going to use had just had her baby. I was super excited, because I love all that kind of stuff and had actually previously been foot zoned with my other babies. So I showed up to the shoot and they were running behind. So instead of doing a whole zone she did only a partial zone. To make it up to me she told me to come to her house on Monday four days later and she would give me a full zone.
Monday night I went to her house for the foot zone and left completely changed. The zone was amazing and I believe a divine intervention where God could work a beautiful way for Evelyn to come. My body was already more ready than I ever have been with any of my other babies at this point in pregnancy. The zone I truly believe is what led to the bleeding the next morning, which to some my same seem like a negative thing, but I truly believe it was a beautiful beautiful gift. Not only did the zone do things to align my body and prepare it for what was going to happen the next day. But I walked away mentally a different person.
Heidi was truly inspired to have me be her model that day so that we could have the conversation we did Monday night. (She later actually ended up telling me how she couldn’t sleep, and continually was prompted to have me as her model and again to have me come that Monday).
Our conversation weaved in and out of a lot of different topics. She asked if there was anything I was struggling about and I told her how off my mindset was. How I couldn’t put my finger on why. I don’t remember all the points and things she said, but she talked about how Evelyn’s spirit is inside of me and sometimes it can be hard to distinguish what I am feeling vs. what is coming from Evelyn’s spirit. It was the most beautiful thought and something I had never considered. Maybe it was Evelyn who was scared, maybe it was her that was bringing on these feelings I was having that seemed so jumbled inside of me. The more we talked it just completely resonated and I felt so much peace- whenever that happens it just assures me that that actually is the reality. Evelyn was actually scared to come, and all the mixed up emotions I was feeling was because of me feeling her spirits feelings mixed with my own. Through our conversation I also realized that as excited as I was to meet her, I was also extremely anxious. This was 9 years of build up. Was her spirit really going to be the same spirit I had felt 9 years prior. What if it wasn’t?
There was a beautiful moment during my foot zone that I remember mine and Evelyn’s spirits truly connecting. Almost as if we were both telling each other that it was all going to be ok. That we had each others back and there was nothing to be worried about. I was here for her and she would be there for me.
During our conversation Heidi also talked about how babies come to earth in the way that they need to for their own experience. I already knew that how a baby enters the world has actual scientific research behind it, and that it truly does and can impact them and how they view, see and feel about life. I thought about Greyson’s birth and him being posterior, and how he had to come to the world in that different way. We talked specifically about c- sections and how they are such a different way to enter the world than through a vaginal delivery. We talked about how in the premortal existence we as mom’s could have volunteered to bring our children into the world in certain ways to benefit them. That we as mom’s would do anything to give them the best learning experience. That we would take out our own desires and wants for them and know that God has the best path of growth for them and how they enter this world.
The whole conversation was amazing and beautiful and gave me new perspectives and thoughts that I had never considered before. Little did I know what would happen the next day.
At 36 weeks and 2 days I woke up in the morning to a pantiliner of bright blood. From that moment I immediately had a sense of peace. I never felt worried, or afraid, just peace. I called my midwife and she told me to go straight to labor and delivery to get checked. She seemed really laid back about it and at this point I honestly did not think much of the bleeding and thought it must not be too big of a deal. I thought maybe I had just lost my mucus plug and not to stress. Erick and I left for the hospital just as if we were going for a normal checkup. I had one quick thought of maybe I would have to deliver the baby and that I was possibly in early labor, but that’s all it was. A quick passing thought.
We got to our room and they ordered the ultrasound tech to come and check me. A family friend of Erick’s walked in the door, she was our tech. We all laughed and it was the perfect way to add good energy to the room. Not even two minutes into my scan she told me that my placenta was completely covering my cervix, that it hadn’t torn, but that there was no way they were going to have me leave with me bleeding, while having what is called a full previa.
The nurses came back in after chatting with my midwife and I was told that I would be going into a c-section in a few hours. Of course I was having a c- section, the words came back to my mind that Heavenly Father had given to me during Rem’s labor, “I will never make you do this again.” This was not something random that just happened to my body. It was always God’s plan. It was always the way that Evelyn was supposed to come to this world. I felt so much peace, love and contentment knowing that we were right on track so to say. That Evelyn and I were doing exactly what God had always intended for us, and that this is the experience that we both need.
It was no coincidence in my mind that I had had the conversation with Heidi the night before. The zone aligned my body and the conversation allowed me and Evelyn a chance to both know that we were there for each other. That we both were excited to have her come to the world in whatever way that looked like. It is no coincidence that everything fell into place perfectly. The model having her baby, Heidi needing a quick replacement and knowing I was pregnant, the foot zone to align my body in a way that I believe started the bleeding, and me mentally now feeling in the best mindset I had my entire pregnancy. I was ready and Evelyn was ready.
As a sidenote, I have delivered all my babies naturally and with a doula, Tayla. She was amazing and always was such an important key factor in all of my births. I truly couldn’t imagine going through labor without her there. I had reached out early in my pregnancy with Evelyn to hire Tayla again to be my doula. Because of a few important life events she was going to be having around Evelyn’s due date she didn’t feel like she could commit.
I was devastated. My midwife just suggested hiring someone else, but it never felt right. I looked at other options and every time I did, it never felt settled. One day in one of my connection prayers, clear as day I heard, “You will not need her, you will have me.”
I trusted that and never hired a doula, knowing that I would rely heavily on God during labor. Well of course having a c- section I truly didn’t have any need for a doula and God really was the only one I needed.
I ended up waiting a few hours for my c-section because I had eaten breakfast and finally at around 5 pm they took me back. Again, I still felt so much peace. I really wasn’t scared-more just in shock that it was all happening so fast and I hadn’t had a lot of time to process.
We got to the room where my c-section would happen. They put me on the table, and I remember looking around the small room and seeing so many medical and surgical tools and starting to have what was happening sink in. I closed my eyes and started taking big deep breaths, blocking out everything that was happening around me.
I started to pray. It was simple and to the point. Heavenly Father please be with me and please be with these doctors. He immediately spoke back to my heart with very clear words. I am here and these doctors are MY hands. It was clear that they truly would be HIS hands. Performing His work, and carrying out His plan for me and Evelyn.
I continued laying with my eyes closed as they started prepping my body. I felt my grandpa- “Hey kid, you’re doing a great job. I am so proud of you”. I just silently laughed, of course my grandpa was there. He wouldn’t miss this for anything. I was extremely close with my grandpa when he was here. And he absolutely LOVED babies. He passed right before I became pregnant with my third. And ever since then he has been present at all of my kids’ births. I knew he would be there. And it was so comforting having him be there while they were prepping me.
The surgery was quick once I was prepped, I remember hearing Evelyn cry twice, I never saw her, but I heard her…I had Erick leave me to go look at her but he was only gone a minute before he was back. My body was feeling the effects of all the hormone changes and what was happening and I started shaking uncontrollably and Erick wanted to be right by my side.
The rest of what happened was kind of a blur until I got to my recovery room. I remember trying to process what had just happened. I still hadn’t seen Evelyn, and yet I wasn’t pregnant anymore. My mind was just trying to grasp the situation…my mind was numb.
My thoughts wandered back to the conversation that I had just had the night before with Heidi. About how we all have a way that we need to enter the world for our own best growth. How as mom’s we could have volunteered in heaven, saying we would be willing to do xyz for our kids.
I quickly thought how I truly would have volunteered to have this experience, even though it wasn’t what I wanted or pictured. I would have volunteered to do whatever I needed to for Evelyn. My thoughts then were immediately changed with the strong impression. “No, you were not the one that volunteered. It was Evelyn. She was the one that chose to do this. She did this for you.” Along with these words I was given an amazing and beautiful lesson. Not through words, but somehow my heart was told that…
Evelyn and I were extremely close spirits in heaven. She was an older spirit than I was, she looked out for me. She helped me make decisions, she helped to guide me and give me comfort. She was a mother figure in a sense to me while we were in heaven.
Having this tiny bit of information was a puzzle piece that I had been searching for for 9 years. Of course she was the one that was there that comforted me that night I was pregnant with Greyson. Of course she was the one that volunteered to give me this growth and learning experience. She was the older spirit, the wiser of us, truly she was more the mom to me than I will probably ever be to her.
It sounds crazy, and yet. Nothing has ever felt so real, so true, and has brought my actual soul so much peace. She has brought my soul more peace than words can explain. Her soul is what my soul has been missing through my whole earthly experience. And now she is here.
Starting her life with trial, being poked and prodded, being separated from me. Not being held and loved on, but instead hooked up to oxygen, iv’s, feeding tubes, and several other leads, left by herself in a room with no one else. This is how she started her life. I say all of this not to complain, but to recognize that I know she did this for me.
Why I needed this experience, is still unfolding…although I feel like I am getting more and more glimpses of why every single day. My eyes have opened to new knowledge, and growth already. But whatever the reason, I owe so much to her.
I didn’t end up seeing Evelyn for about 12 hours after the c-section. I didn’t get to hold her, but I was able to look at her and hold her hand. It was weird, and completely foreign to my other births…where my babies literally did not leave my chest from the moment they were born. They slept on me, they never went to the nursery. We were never separated.
24 hours later I was able to hold her for the first time. We were reunited. It was so hard to hold her with all of her cords and it made her feel so fragile. You would move her slightly and the monitors would go off.
A few days later I was able to breastfeed her for the first time. 4 days after she was born I was discharged and Erick and I went home and had to leave her there. It was hard in the fact that I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I had just had a baby. I was used to going through natural labor and then having my baby with me immediately after. I felt like I had just had surgery. We only saw Evelyn a few hours every day. It was very minimal which made it hard to feel like we actually had had her.
The next week was a lot of me driving to the NICU and being there for feedings. She progressed really quickly and was soon down to only having her feeding tube left. She just had to up her feedings for us to be able to take her home. After jumping through WAY too many hoops we finally were able to take her home from the NICU on August 20th.
The next day Heidi came over to zone her. Heidi is truly amazing and specializes in pregnancy, postpartum and newborn foot zoning. Before she came over she told me it would be about 7 minutes and that Evelyn would probably cry the whole time.
She started working on Evelyn’s feet and pretty quickly Heidi mentioned that Evelyn was an old soul, she felt like was working on a 40 year old woman’s feet. Heidi has zoned so many babies and only about 1% of them allow her to do a full adult zone. Well Miss Evelyn fell into that small percentage. She let Heidi work on her with no issues, and no crying.
It was beautiful and another witness to me that confirmed the impressions I had received about her being an older spirit than I was in heaven. It all just made sense. Evelyn’s spirit literally is so mature. It just radiates off of her and is so obvious to see and feel.
Evelyn has continued to be foot zoned every few days in helping her digestive system and keeping her jaundice levels down. Each experience has been spiritual and beautiful in its own way. Every time I learn more about her and her spirit’s needs and wants.
These past few weeks have been some of the most spiritual and beautiful weeks of my life. God is truly a master creator. And seeing the weavings of the last 9 years unfold into this has been magical. I finally understand WHY it was her spirit that came to me 9 years ago, and I can now know that those experiences of feeling her spirit were in fact real. I understand now what the words “I will never make you do this again” meant that I heard during Rem’s labor. I understand why I never needed to hire a doula. I can see the divine intervention that happened in order for me to be chosen to come get foot zoned for Heidi’s course, and zoned again the night before my c- section. Without that conversation I would have never been able to walk into that situation with such confidence and peace. I also truly believe that being zoned was exactly what my body needed to align and have me start bleeding. Not in a traumatic way. We were not stressed, we weren’t rushing to the hospital. The placenta hadn’t torn. There were so so many others ways that I could have been brought in for this c-section. And this way was peaceful. The beautiful tender mercy of having the tech that came to deliver the news to me that I had a full previa be a dear family friend. My first nurse I had in recovery was a friend from an old neighborhood. The experience of having God assure me that those doctors were His hands, feeling my grandpa’s spirit. In recovery learning about Evelyn’s spirit being older than mine and knowing she was the one that volunteered for this experience for me.
It was a masterpiece that could have only been created by the divine. An all knowing and LOVING God. I will forever be a witness that God knows each one of us personally. That He is working in our lives daily. That nothing is coincidence and that God always has our best interest in mind. That our growth is what He wants for us, and that He will provide it in the most loving way possible.
I know this to be true, I am so thankful for you in showing up here today and letting me be vulnerable in sharing these sacred experiences with you. I hope it has brought to light the beauty of miracles and tender mercies that are still happening around us today in our everyday lives.
For those of you that do have the Hear Him journal, Now would be the perfect time to pull that out and continue in more stillness, an open mind and a desire to connect with God.
Love you guys!
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